America Loves Countdowns

Countdown #6: Greatest Sports Rants

There are so many times in life where we see something we don't like all that much, and we proceed to go on a ridiculous tirade about it. Fortunately for most of us, we don't have cameras in our faces when we do this. Sports figures are not so fortunate. When one of them goes on a rant, it gets replayed over and over again for our entertainment value. With that in mind, this week's countdown chronicles the best rants in sports history.

Jaromir Jagr
"I'm dying alive"
Two things were true about Jaromir Jagr during his tenure in Pittsburgh: (1) he was a tremendous hockey player and (2) he was a spoiled little baby who couldn't handle fame and responsibility. He was on a team that made the playoffs for 11 straight seasons and won two Stanley Cups. He played alongside some of the best players in hockey. He was a hero in Pittsburgh. All of that made people turn their heads in disgust when Jagr whined that he was "dying alive" in 2000. The Penguins were forced to trade him to a struggling Capitals team the following year, and only then did he realize how good he had it in Pittsburgh.

Jeremy Roenick
"You guys are just jealous"
At Mario Lemieux's celebrity golf tournament last summer, Roenick got tanked up and then did what every drunk person should always do: he got in front of a camera. Roenick proceeded to bash the NHL's fans (keep in mind that this was during the strike when the league was desperately trying to reach out to its disgruntled fan base). Roenick invited fans to "kiss my ass" and actually told them the players "don't want you in the stadium". The topper was when he pulled the slurred "you guys are just jealous" line, a great halmark of any drunk.

Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder
"Big black slaves"
Jimmy The Greek was everyone's favorite NFL pre-game sidekick, but he got himself fired in 1988 when he made the following statement concerning black football players: "The black is a better athlete to begin with, because he has been bred to be that way. This goes all the way back to the Civil War, when the slave owner would breed his big black to his big woman so that he could have a big black kid, see." Yikes! The ironic thing was that, in a twisted way, he was actually trying to compliment black atheletes!

John Chaney
"I'll kill you!"
Temple basketball coach John Chaney was a well-known nutcase. I went to school at Duquesne, and when Temple came to play (and hammer) us every year, the students loved to yell stuff at Chaney just to see if they could get a reaction. UMass coach John Calipari got one of those reactions out of Chaney in 1994. As Calipari was conducting his post-game news conference, Chaney burst into the room yelling obscenities and threatening to kill Calipari. He actually tried to rush the podium before being held back by security guards! It was surreal.

Mike Vanderjagt
"Our quarterback sucks"
The Colts kicker infamously bashed his own team on a Toronto cable show in 2003. "I'm not a real big Colts fan right now," Vanderjagt said. "I just don't see us getting better." He proceeded to call out QB Peyton Manning for not being a charasmatic enough leader. "I'm like, 'Peyton, show some enthusiasm, you're the quarterback and we need to win this game.' I just don't see it from him." Manning responded by calling Vanderjagt an "idiot kicker". And you wonder why this team has never won a thing?

Wally Rig
"Let's analyze what's been working for us"
In the final game of the college football season, the Texas State Armadillos trailed the #1 ranked Texas Colts at halftime, causing interim head coach Wally Rig to launch into a profanity-laced tyrade. "Now let's analyze what's been working for us," Rig began. "NOT A (expletive) THING'S been working for us. Like this (expletive) suit doesn't work for me... and this stinking tie... and this (expletive) shirt. IT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME. YOU KNOW HOW TO PLAY WINNING HARD-NOSED FOOTBALL? YOU PLAY FOOTBALL LIKE ED GENERRO PLAYED FOOTBALL. A guy who gave his life for this football team. He was a 140-pound halfback, and HE PLAYED LIKE A (expletive) WILDMAN! NO - LIKE A (expletive) RAMPAGING BEAST! And that's the way you got to do it! YOU GO OUT THERE! YOU TEAR THEIR (expletive) HEADS OFF, AND YOU (expletive) DOWN THEIR NECKS! Let us pray...."

Mike Tyson
"I'm gonna eat his kids"
Oh, Iron Mike. How many amazing rants has this lunatic left us with over the years? Picking his best one was tough, but it has to be the time he was asked about an upcoming match with Lennox Lewis. A normal athelete may have said something to the effect of, "I think it's going to be a good fight." A cockier athelete may have said something like, "I'm going to beat him good." Mike Tyson said, "I'm going to eat his kids." That's right - Tyson threatened to physically devour Lewis' children. Seriously, who does that? Has that threat ever been made before? Unreal!

Lee Elia
"F the fans!"
Cubs manager Lee Elia dropped over 30 f-bombs in an absolutely legendary tirade directed towards his own fans in 1983. "[Screw] those (expletive) fans who come out here and say they're Cub fans, rippin' every (expletive) thing you do," Elia shouted. "They oughta go and get a (expletive) job and find out what it's like to go out and earn a (expletive) living. Eight-five percent of the (expletive) world is working. The other 15 percent come out here. A (expletive) playground for the (expletive)." Elia went on to wish that his team would get "hotter than (expletive)" just to shove it down the throats of all the fans who were helping to pay his salary.

Barry Bonds
"You finally got me"
For a guy who has treated the media, his teammates, and virtually everyone else in baseball like garbage for the past 20 years, Bonds sure sounds an idiot when he demands sympathy. The steroid-abusing cheater's most dramatic diatribe came before the 2005 season when he cried, "You wanted me to jump off a bridge, I finally did. You finally brought me and my family down. You finally got me.... so now go pick a different person." In case you are wondering what the English translation is for that statement, it's something like, "Wahhh! Nobody likes me. Nobody wants to play with me. Nobody will let me rub my precious steroid cream all over my bicepts anymore. Wah wah wah!!" For added effect, Bonds used his 15-year-old son as a prop in his little martyr act. What a scumbag.

Jim Mora
"Playoffs?!?"
The king of all sports rants came in 2001 when a reporter asked Colts coach Mora if his 4-6 team still had aspirations to make the playoffs. "Playoffs?! You want to talk about playoffs? You kidding me?! Playoffs?! I just hope we win a game! Another game!!" Just a totally legendary rant from a man who provided so many great ones during his time in the NFL.

Honorable Mentions:

• Roy Williams - "I don't give a (expletive) about Carolina right now" After losing the 2003 NCAA Championship Game to Syracuse, Kansas coach Roy Williams got angry when CBS reporter Bonnie Bernstein asked him if he was considering taking the coaching job at UNC. Williams lashed out, "That's not very nice ... and I've got to think that in tough times that people should be more sensitive.... I don't give a (expletive) about Carolina right now!" In a real stand-up move, he later proceeded to ditch his kids and take the UNC job anyway.
  
  
• Sam Wyche - "You don't live in Cleveland!" During a 1989 game at Riverfront Stadium in which Bengals fans began throwing snowballs at opposing Seahawks players, Cincinnati head coach Sam Wyche grabbed a microphone and scolded the crowd. "You don't live in Cleveland!" Wyche shouted at his fans, simultaneuosly insulting the two major cities in Ohio.
  
  
• Joe Paterno - "I would have raped her too" The loony old fool had this to say when Florida State LB A.J. Nicholson, who had been scheduled to play against PSU in the 2006 Orange Bowl, was suspended due to a sexual assault allegation: "It's so tough. There are so many people gravitating to these kids. Somebody may have knocked on the door. A cute little girl knocks on the door. What do you do? Geez ... thank God, they don't knock on my door." Why not Joe? Because you would have RAPED her?! It's a testament to the media's undying love for Penn State that he never got into trouble for that comment.
  
  
• Tyler Palko - "So F-ing proud" After tossing five touchdown passes in a dramatic last-second win at Notre Dame, Pitt QB Tyler Palko began excitedly talking about how important the win was to his team, ultimately muttering the infamous "I'm so proud of our (expletive) football team" line live on NBC. It wasn't the first time a Pittsburgh athelete humiliated NBC by dropping the F-bomb in front of a live audience, as former Steelers LB Greg Lloyd did the same thing in 1995.
  
  
• John Rocker - "I'm not a very big fan of foreigners" Ok, this one was just funny. The Atlanta Braves pitcher blasted every nationality but saved some of his best material for New Yorkers. "Imagine having to take the number 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids," said Rocker. "It's depressing." Depressing city for him, hilarious rant for us.