America Loves Countdowns

Countdown #2: Biggest Jokes in Pittsburgh Sports History

Over the years there have been many local sports stories that have just made us shake our heads in disbelief. The second list in the America Loves Countdowns series features some of the most memorable. Some of these are funny and some are just plain sad, but each one has brought shame to either a local team, player, or in some cases, the entire city!

Pittsburgh Attempts Pro Basketball
There is no doubt that Pittsburgh is a great sports town. Professional football, baseball, and hockey have all had success here. Even pro indoor soccer had some success in the early 1980's (a team called the Pittsburgh Spirit used to outdraw the Pens at the Civic Arena). But professional basketball, despite its popularity across the rest of the country, has never quite found a home here. In fact, Pittsburgh has had seven pro basketball teams over the years, and all seven folded. We had an old ABA team that won the league championship, but that team didn't last even as the ABA gained in popularity during the 1970's. Then there was the Pittsburgh Piranhas of the CBA, who folded after just one season in the 1990's. Now a team called the Pit Bulls is trying to find a niche, but they will probably end up where all the other teams ended up - in the sports graveyard.

Bam Morris Gets Busted
In the spring of 1996, Steelers RB Bam Morris had the world at his feet. He was young and the leading rusher for a team that had just went to the Super Bowl. But things went horribly awry for Morris when he got busted with cocaine, leaving the Steelers with no choice but to cut him. Several years later, Bam would end up going to prison for drug-related crimes. There is a happy ending to this story however. Morris is now out of prison and has completely turned his life around. He even wants to resume his playing career. Hopefully he is truly reformed and someone will give him a second chance.

Pitt's Botched Robbery Attempt
In the late 1990's, the Pitt basketball team was in a serious rut. No one incident exemplified how far the team had fallen more than a botched robbery attempt during the 1998-99 season. Four Pitt players left the team hotel without permission so they could go to the home of a friend to watch a boxing match on TV. While they were there, freshman guard Fred Primus decided he would steal $2200 worth of jewelry from the upstairs bedroom. What kind of players was Pitt recruiting? "Hey, wanna go watch the fight? Maybe while we're there we can snag some jewelry and stuff." Primus was caught and kicked off the team. The three other players were disciplined and one of them was also dismissed from the team. Head coach Ralph Willard never recovered from the incident and ended up resigning a year later.

The Pat Meares Shrine
Do you remember a second baseman for the Pirates named Pat Meares? If you don't, it's probably because in four years with the Bucs (1999-2002), Meares barely played. He was constantly injured and highly overpaid, so the Pirates decided to cut him after his latest injury in 2002. That set off a salary dispute between Meares and the organization, and the rest of the Pirates veterans took Meares' side by erecting a locker room shrine in his honor! Meares was a worthless player who contributed nothing to the team which paid him millions, and the players built a freakin shrine in his old locker?? Unbelievably, that wasn't the worst part of the story. An even bigger joke was that Pirates management did not tear down the shrine, and as a result the fans suddenly became aware of who really runs the Pirates organization. It's no wonder they suck year after year.

Sudden Death
An action movie filmed inside the Civic Arena featuring the Penguins? Sounds pretty cool, right? Well, add Pens owner / "movie producer" Howard Baldwin and "actor" Jean-Claude Van Damme into the mix, and you've got a recipe for disaster. This was one of the worst movies ever. The film featured totally random violence and ridiculous situations (such as Van Damme's daughter accidentally getting captured by the terrorist guy for a second time). The best part of the movie came when Pens announcer Paul Steigerwald yelled out, "Holy *bleep*", and that was only great because it was so unintentionally funny. The fact that this movie had its big "premiere" at Showcase North on McKnight Road says it all.

Johnny Majors Returns to Coach Pitt
In the late 80's and early 90's, Pitt football was on the decline. It needed a boost. It needed a shot in the arm. It needed to rekindle the magic it had back in the 70's. Well, who better to do that than Johnny Majors. He had coached Pitt to the 1976 national championship, so everyone was thrilled when he returned to coach the team in 1993. I even got season tickets at that time, thinking what an exciting new era it was going to be. However, things quickly turned sour. In four years as coach, Majors won a putrid 12 games, and those were mostly against scrub schools from lesser conferences. Some of my favorite lowlights from the second Majors era include the following: (1) Pitt recruited Penn-Trafford QB Tony Zimmerman, who was so heralded as a great future QB that NFL Films did a story on him. Majors decided to redshirt Zimmerman, then he inexplicably sent him into late season games, ruining a year of eligibility. Zimmerman later transferred to Duquesne but never regained his high school glory. (2) During a 72-0 loss against Ohio State in 1996, Pitt allowed a punt return for a touchdown despite the fact that the Buckeyes only had 10 players on the field (3) Majors criticized Curtis Martin for going pro after his junior year. Martin, who could have stayed at Pitt for another dismal season and risked injury, went on to become one the top rushers in NFL history. (4) Pitt became the first ever Big East team to lose to Temple.

Jamain Stephens Gets Cut on First Day
With their first round draft pick in 1996, the Steelers drafted a big offensive tackle named Jamain Stephens. He went to a small school and was considered a "project", and that was ok at the time because the Steelers had depth at the position. But by the time the 1999 season rolled around, everyone was sick of still waiting for Stephens to develop. Rather than getting his act together, Fatty showed up for training camp even fatter and more out of shape than he was the previous season. When the team ran its first workouts of the summer, Stephens collapsed and couldn't finish. Bill Cowher made the easy decision to cut him later that day, handing Jamain the distinction of being the only Steeler ever cut on the first day of camp.

Penguins Declare Bankruptcy Twice
Only a tiny handful of professional sports franchises in the four major sports leagues have filed for bankruptcy in the past 50 years, and the Penguins have the not-so-proud distinction of doing it twice. The Pens first filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy in 1975. This was understandable - the league wasn't doing well as a whole and the Pens were virtually unknown in a town where the Steelers, Pirates, and Pitt football were all winning championships. However, when the Pens filed again in 1999, it was downright disgraceful. The 1990's brought two Stanley Cups to Pittsburgh. The Penguins became the #1 team in town for a while, and they had two of the greatest players (Lemieux and Jagr) in NHL history. The Pens were so popular that they were actually able to put several regular season games - REGULAR SEASON GAMES - on pay-per-view! But owner Howard Baldwin got drunk on success and drove the team's finances straight into the ground. When he brought in Roger Marino, things got even worse. I'll always remember watching game 6 of the first round of the 1999 playoffs, because the whole time I was thinking, "This could be the last time the Pens ever take the ice." Fortunately Mario Lemieux stepped in and saved the franchise yet again.

The Pittsburgh Drug Trials
Today the big talk is about steroid abuse in baseball, but in 1985 it was cocaine that was the drug of choice for Major League Baseball players, and Pittsburgh soon found itself at the center of a national drug trial. Several Pirates, including Dave Parker and Dale Berra, testified that drug dealers actually sold cocaine to players in the clubhouse at Three Rivers Stadium. And it wasn't just Pirates players either - several other big-name players like Keith Hernandez and Tim Raines testified that Pittsburgh was essentially the place to go to get your drug fix. Even the freakin Pirate Parrot was implicated as one of the dealers! It was a complete disgrace for baseball, but even a bigger embarrassment to the city of Pittsburgh.

Operation Shutdown
When the Pirates signed veteran Derek Bell to a two year, $9.75 million contract in 2001, they expected big things from the veteran outfielder. But when Bell hit a paltry .173 that season, the Pirates began exploring other options and decided that there would be competition for the right field position during spring training in 2002. Now, you would think that a guy who underperformed that badly would come in with a humble attitude and do everything in his power to win his job back, right? Amazingly, Bell declared that he would have no choice but to commence "Operation Shutdown", a battle plan which apparently consisted of him "kicking back and relaxing" while two other players battled for his position. "I ain't going out there and hurting myself.... I haven't competed for a job since 1991," stated Bell. Wow! What exactly were you going to "shut down", Derek? You were a .173 hitter!! Not surprisingly, Bell was cut a few weeks later, but the Pirates still had to eat the rest of Bell's enormous contract while he sailed on his yacht. The contract ended up paying him $361,111 for each hit he got in a Pirates uniform.

Honorable Mentions:

• Dock Ellis Throws No-Hitter While Tripping on Acid
• Civic Arena Renamed 'Mellon' Arena
• Randall Simon Nearly Decapitates Giant Sausage
• Ernie Holmes Fires Rifle at Police Helicopter
• Penn State Loses to Iowa by the Score of 6-4 in 2004
• The Entire 1993-Present Pirates Seasons